what i wish i said instead of 'you too, thanks.'

'it's not that i'm rude to strangers or that i don't like you, it's that i cannot physically force my mouth to form the words, much less produce the vocal chord vibrations, that would be audible to you as "happy new year." i've tried, really, been to speech therapy and everything, and The Coach gave up on me. it's on my Record that my consuming dislike for the holiday and all its accoutrements will forever prevent me from speaking that particular phrase. i apologize for my abhorrent lack of ability to participate in benign social greetings. thank you for your time.'