on water-hating.

i am a kid of many phases, but the most recurrent and annoying is the one in which drinking anything that can be classified as water becomes an act of inbibing liquid torture. this is also a financially unwelcome phase, because juice, coffee, and tea are all products more expensive than water in fair baltimore. and i try, i really try, to trick myself into drinking water through covert techniques like swallowing mouthfuls in the shower or adding water to cups of juice. one should never water down coffee. but in the end i simply have to wait it out until that one night when as a result of being both cheap and afraid of translucent liquids i wake up severely dehydrated and unable to pry my mouth open. then i squirt an entire gallon of water through a syringe into the crevices between my lips. it's like that scene in one of the Best Movies To Show Five Year Olds To Scare The Shit Out Of Them, wizard of fucking oz, when they have to oil the tin man's lips. except with water. then i'm cured.