in which the Shortest Route Home is not.

you may one day find yourself in a situation where you need to deal occasionally with a Friendly Neighbor. you may realize that although you can conceivably avoid the block on which the Friendly Neighbor lives and rarely strays from, you cannot bring yourself to eschew the Shortest Route Home that you diligently timed last spring allowing for aberrations in weather conditions and/or sidewalk construction projects. on principle, of course. not because you are that stubborn about something as petty and ridiculous as a fucking route home. no way.

you may listen to the Friendly Neighbor's diatribe on the oscars, even though both he and you know that you did not watch the oscars, have never watched the oscars, and would rather watch seven bollywood movies with no intermission than talk about/listen to/overhear any conversation relating to the word oscar, unless it's about that boy in the "east l.a. papis" video you rented the night prior.

you may be knee-deep in BestSupporting verbiage before you realize that there is no lifevest, no rapunzel hair, not even one of those extremely frightening orange blowup swimmie things that little kids wear in urine-drenched swimming pools. There Is No Polite Out. like our beloved harold, you're going to have to just pick up your crayon and draw your own motherfucking way home.

that's when you may bring up, out of nowhere, with absolutely no Tie-In, Jump Off, or Lead In, your pathetically needy little doggie and how much you love his wittle puppy face. though it pains your digestive tract to speak of your hard.core. dog with such nauseating and chickensoupforthesoul terminology, you know it is a necessary sacrifice to return to your happily oscar-free world. you are certain that there are few things more vile and repugnant to the majority of the human population than people and their pets, because you have studied this and confirmed that there is no other topic that combines with perfect balance the Extreme Interest of the speaker with the Extreme Disinterest of the listener(s).

'well, i'll see you, kid. i think i just heard my sock fall off the couch. gotta go check on that sock. it's fragile, you know. i've had it since before that damn peanut farmer got elected. stupid farmer.'